The Love We Deserve: Finding Ourself Before Finding The One

I know they say patience is a virtue, but I was beginning to feel as though it was a virtue I simply just did not possess. In the 21st century, the dating pool is contaminated. Yes, there is most definitely piss in it. At a point, I had to start asking myself the harder questions. Was it me? Was I too apart of the contamination of the dating pool? I had been racking my brain for the answers for months after every failed situationship, dating attempt, and any other venture in my disastrous love life.

As I sat with myself, I came across some hard realizations. It was me. It was me in the sense that, I was so fixated on every end result that I wasn't allowing myself to just be. I would meet someone, begin romanticizing in typical girl fashion, fall in love with the potential of who this person COULD be, and ultimately allow words with no actions and my own rose covered glasses to overstimulate my mind. I was clinging so hard to outcomes that had no merrit, that I was really just hurting my own feelings.

But was it so bad that I wanted to love? I loved, love. I grew up watching movies with the ideology that my love story would be similar to the ones on the screen. I had even been in love before, strong and passionate love, so I knew it was possible. I longed for that feeling again. I longed to be next to someone again who understood me, poured into me, laughed with me, comforted me, and lifted me up. What I didn't realize at the time was that longing, that deep desire couldn't push me further from the energy of receiving. I was too fixated on the love, that wasn't abundant in my life at that moment. Without taking a moment to realize or acknowledge, that in all actuality, I was rich in love in all other aspects.

I had familial love. The type of love that if I needed anything under the sun and my parents, grandparents, siblings, or cousins were capable of it, that need would be met, no questions asked.

I had platonic love. The type of love that I could call my friends with just about any emotion, or thoughts in the world, and they would allow me the space to just vent, judgment-free, only offering their advice if it warranted, knowing that sometimes a friend just needs space to express her deepest emotions.

And most importantly, I had God's love. The love God had for me reigned supreme. He guided me, taught me, laughed with me (and most definitely, sometimes at me). He made the world a space where I could safely flourish and progress, even if the obstacles he placed in front of me throw me off of my pivot for a season or two. He put desires in my heart and talent in my body, that would only take me to great heights and places on this Earth. And that love, couldn't be duplicated by anybody in the physical.

Transparently though, there was another major love that was missing and it wasn't the love of a man. It was the love that was to me, from me. I wanted so bad to be glued to the hip with another human being, but I needed to first learn how to have that same dedication towards myself. My fixation with another person pouring into me was bread off my inability to efficiently pour into myself. My cup was damn near empty, yet I was so willing and ready to pour the little contents that remained into someone else's. I wasn't ready for love. When I fully operated without questioning myself or my abilities, when I was able to give myself grace for the times I wasn't always the woman I was working to be, and forgive myself for the moments that I hadn't made choices that support the life I was creating for myself, then, and only then, would I be ready for love. Because in those moments, love wouldn't consume me as it was doing now, but just add to me.

I aspired to have a love that added to me in the high moments but didn't deplete and defeat me, in my low moments.

Please don't misunderstand me. There is no love that can replicate romantic love. Romantic love is a beautiful and euphoric feeling, and when it visited me again, I knew I would be ecstatic. But most importantly, when it visited me again, I wanted to be ready for it. I decided to replace the longing with pouring. Pouring into myself, my dreams, my passion projects, my family, my friends, my life. And while I was at it, I decided that there was nothing wrong with me. I had been surrounded by love my entire life and it's simply because I was love. Just because romantic love was not in the present does not mean it was not on the way. God is preparing the person he has for me, for bigger and better things. The life I envisioned for myself, is a life of love, a life of luxury, a life of abundance, and a life of prosperity. He's preparing that person to be able to function and maintain that kind of life, just as he was doing for me. I'm okay with waiting a little longer for the things, I deserve.

So I guess, yeah the dating pool might be contaminated. So I'll step out, spend some time on land figuring out myself and how I can make sure that when it's time to step into the ocean, I don't pollute that as well... because there is still many fish in the sea.

For all the girls who are waiting for their fairytale and wondering when it will be our turn: it's okay to step back and focus on yourself. It's okay to ask the hard questions and realize that sometimes, it's not about finding the right person, but becoming the right person for ourselves and our future partners. Let's pour into our own cup, love ourselves deeply, and trust that the love we seek will come when we're truly ready for it.