I'm The Problem Sometimes : Identifying Our Toxic Traits
A part of growing up, and really taking accountability for your life is simply realizing that sometimes we are the problem. It can't ALWAYS be the other person. In my journey to be my higher and most authentic self coupled with a therapist who does not hold back on calling me out on my shit, in the past few months I have come face to face with the simple reality that I am not always the victim.
Identifying your toxic traits is such a freeing part of your healing journey. Yes, there are a plethora of things that I need to heal from, that people have done to me. But there are also a plethora of situations that I have brought on to myself because of my conflict resolution. Being self aware is so important to our growth as women, as humans, as friends, as future mothers. It's so easy to point fingers, and call people out on their bullshit. But why don't we ever take the time to do that to ourselves?
Lately I have been trying to work through a few things. One of them is my flight or fight response. It has always been so easy for me to flee the scene, especially in my relationships. When faced with relationship conflict, I am very quick to just call it quits. Through therapy, I have learned I do this for a few reasons. One of those reasons being, in the moments of feeling misunderstood, I don't give myself the proper space and time to process my emotions and thoughts. Instead I just resort to, if you don't see where I'm coming from, maybe It's just easier to end things. This isn't ever fair to the other person. People should be allowed to express grievances with me, without the scary feeling in the back of their mind that I will leave them. This realization has been eye-opening and has helped me understand the importance of self-reflection and emotional processing in conflict resolution. I've counteracted this, by instead of fleeing from the scene, asking for space to digest what I'm feeling and gather my thoughts. Decisions made in the heat of the moment are rarely sound.
In addition to my tendency to flee from conflict, I've also come to realize that I sometimes end relationships out of a desire to be chased. There's a part of me that enjoys the thrill of being pursued, even when deep down, I know that I don't truly want the relationship to end.
It's a complex mix of emotions—I might say it's over in the heat of the moment, but there's a part of me that craves the validation and attention that comes from being chased. After ending things, I would often find myself hoping for a chase from the other person, someone who wasn't ready to let something so small end something so valuable. This realization has been eye-opening for me, as it has shown me how my desire for validation and excitement can sometimes cloud my judgment in relationships.
Another toxic trait, that I am unlearning is the power of my words. As I'm sure you have noticed by now, I have a way with them. As a wordsmith, I know how to formulate my words to envoke emotion out of the other party. I've never been one to immediately resort to extremely low blows, and throwing personal things back in the others face (although, I am not completley foreign to it, I will admit) but I still know how to strike a nerve by reading someone to filth based on their character alone. Although, sometimes people deserve it, most times they don't. People know who they are, they don't have to be reminded. I'm learning that it's not what you say, it's how you say it.
For example, if I am in a heated argument with my friend because she is putting our friendship on the back burner due to her excitement of her new relationship. The old me might approach it something like this.
"It's just funny how ever since you started dating X, you have been distant. I never took you as the type to throw your friends under the bus when you get in a relationship, but I guess it's very telling where your priorities lie. No worries though, but just know that it's noted and I hope everything continues on a positive trajectory with him, because expecting me to pick up the pieces of a man you willingly neglected me for, would just not make any sense." These were the kind of menacing messages I would send from a place of hurt, trying to envoke that same emotion on the other person.
The healed me, the better version of me, the version I'm actively working to become handles this so much differently. It would go something more like this:
"Hi. First and foremost, I just want to start by telling you that I love you and care about our friendship very much. I'm very happy for you and that you found love with X, that's something you deserve and as your friend seeing you happy makes me happy. That being said, I have noticed a change in your presence in our friendship. It's okay that our friendship looks differently now, as I could say would happen if I was the one in the relationship as well. But I would love to find a way that we can maintain balance and continue to positively pour and show up for each other, to protect the longevity of what we have worked to built. I would love to talk more about this maybe over dinner or drinks sometime this week, if you are free?"
I start with positives. No matter how you are feeling in your darkest emotions towards people, I like to remember what I love about them and the end goal. Do I really want this friendship to end or do I just want to see my friend a little more? How do I make space for her to gush and thrive and be excited in her new love, while making her aware that she still has other relationships that need watering as well.
I guess for me, my toxic traits all stem from communication. Words can definitely be my superpower, but they can also be my biggest downfall. No matter how I am feeling in a single moment, the goal is to never hurt the people I love. I'm actively working on improving my communication skills by being more mindful of how I express myself. I'm learning to pause and think before I speak, especially when I'm feeling emotional. I'm also practicing active listening, which helps me understand others' perspectives better. By being more intentional with my words and actions, I'm aiming to create more positive and meaningful interactions with the people I love. But that's just me.
What are your toxic traits? Here are a few more that you may or may not resonate with:
Being Overly Critical: Constantly finding fault in others and being judgmental.
Being Overly Defensive: Reacting strongly to criticism or feedback, and not being open to considering other viewpoints.
Being Passive-Aggressive: Expressing hostility or resentment in indirect ways, instead of addressing issues directly.
Being a People-Pleaser: Always seeking approval from others and putting their needs above your own.
Being Closed-Minded: Being unwilling to consider new ideas or perspectives, and being resistant to change.
Being Self-Centered: Always putting your own needs and wants above others', and not considering how your actions affect those around you.
Being Manipulative: Using deceitful or controlling tactics to get what you want from others.
Being Emotionally Unavailable: Not being able to connect emotionally with others or offer support when needed.
Being Intolerant: Being unwilling to accept or respect differences in others, such as different opinions, beliefs, or lifestyles.
Being Envious or Jealous: Feeling resentment towards others' successes or possessions, and wanting what they have.
For all the girls who are in this journey of learning, and unlearning, giving ourselves grace is key to personal growth. Recognizing your toxic traits is a big step, and it shows that we're committed to becoming a better person. It's all in the journey chile. Rome wasn't built in a day, so you very well may fall back in to toxic patterns. What matters is that you're willing to learn and grow from your experiences. Get it sexy! ;)
